Today is World Suicide Prevention Day~~~EDITTED

Today, September 10, 2011, is World Suicide Prevention Day. September is the month of suicide prevention. Living on a military installation prevention is something that is heavily taught and talked about among the soldiers here. Chain of Command here requires soldiers to take classes and even has a support group or the families in the area whose soldier has committed suicide or attempted to. But Suicide doesn’t just affect our military members. It doesn’t apply to just their families. It can affect anyone and everyone. It has affected me and my entire family, including my children. Was it something we could have prevented? I don’t know anymore. Were there signs? Maybe, but I’m not sure I paid enough attention to recognize them if there were.

I’m including a link to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline Organization that will list the signs. Please if you know someone and think that they need help, please help them. They need to know its okay to feel the way they do, no one will judge them, but we can help them to stop feeling that way. Suicide is not the answer. While it may relief some of the problems they are unable to overcome, it leaves a mess of them for the loved ones left behind.  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/SuicideWarningSigns.aspx

Now I’m going to share my Story and why this is something dear to my heart today.

I am a Suicide Survivor. No it doesn’t mean I tried to commit suicide and lived, it means my loved one is lost at his own hands, having chosen to leave this world and the rest of us behind. Do I believe Micheal has found peace and is in Heaven with our Lord, and grandmother and grandfathers? My jury is still out on that, but it’s where I tell Kenzie he is. He is in my heart always. The littlest things can remind me of him and bring me to tears. The other day it was the mashed potatoes. The week before it was seeing his shaving stuff in the medicine cabinet while looking for some Motrin.  Today I don’t know what will do it, maybe I’ll get to go the day without the tears. I never know.

Being a survivor comes at a cost though. I’ve dealt with things I never thought I would. I’ve searched for answers that still go unanswered. My children cling to photos just as much as I do. Bradley is only 19 months and I don’t know how yet to handle it with him yet. Do I hope he forgets? Do I hang photos of him and Mike so he will remember? Do I write a book of stories for him to read so that he’ll have some kind of knowing as to what kind of boy Mike was? Kenzie has replaced her daddy’s picture in her snuggle pillow with a picture of Mike. She refuses to go to bed without his flashlight somewhere in her room. She tends to try and steal his blanket from me and tells me it’s the only way she can sleep. She remembers him. She also knows what happened. I’m not sure how she got the details, I tried o make sure that no one talked about it in front of her. I waited as long as I could in the day to tell her he was gone. I wanted her to be a kid. Something in me knew that the minute I told her Micheal had died, that a piece of her would instantly grow up. Truth be told I was right.

My four year old, so brave and strong, demanded a flower garden to remember her uncle the next day. She informed my mother sometime in that week, that she couldn’t cry, she had to be brave and strong for her mom. Who told her this? Probably the same person that blatantly told her Micheal shot himself. No four year old should have to be brave and strong for any reason, she should be allowed to feel any emotion she wants, to cry all she wants. I was angered at the thought of her not grieving because someone told her not to. Then I was angered at the fact that she was having to grieve at all. Today though she is strong, she doesn’t cry so much about it. When she sees me and knows that I am ‘sad’ she hugs me and tells me she loves me. See she has grown up. She knows that her love will get me through it.

Micheal died June 20, 2011. He took in own life. He left no note. We were shocked. Had Micheal tried to commit Suicide before? No. (some details have been removed)(The following was added on Sept. 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm) Micheal stole my car to drive around before hand. I don't know where he went, but he took money from my car and bought an energy drink sometime during the night. He put over 100 miles on the car. I'm not sure if he was driving trying to get the courage, or just trying to think or what. But I had to go to be taken to the fire station with my sister by a detective to sign a waiver to allow them to search my car. I have to drive init knowing he spent some of his last moments there. I also have to deal with the fact that my mother won't go anywhere with me anymore unless she's driving another vehicle because of this. So how am I left picking up pieces and angered. I'm not voices all of my thoughts at the moment because I do respect others but there will come a day that we will all have to deal with what happened. I'm choosing now.
  

So what happened? What made him snap? Why did he think that he had no other alternative? Most importantly why didn’t he feel like he could talk to someone or ask for help? These are some of the questions that I can’t answer.

While I still don’t know why Micheal thought that suicide was his only way out, I know that if I’d been given the chance I would have done anything to help him to keep him here on this earth with me. He was my little brother, my baby bubba, the little guy I tucked in at night “Snug as a bug, in a tight, tight rug.” He was the boy I tried to convince he could fly, then said his first real words “Help me” while strapped to a table getting his head stitched up after flying into the corner dresser. He was the boy who thought “Don’t Take the Girl” was written just for him; Tim McGraw wanted to leave us girls at home and take our uncle Tommy Thompson fishing instead. He spent two weeks walking around the house looking in closets, under beads, and behind the curtains for “JennJenn” while I was as summer camp. He was possessive and thought Pug was his dog only and Papa didn’t really mean for him to have to share him with us. He was so scared of chocolate he wouldn’t eat brown frosting or anything that resembled chocolate on a cake. I received a many all white cakes because he wouldn’t eat any if it might have touched the chocolate. He was once mistaken for being my son when I dropped him off at before school daycare once and I had to correct them, I was almost 7 when he was born. I taught him to make Spaghetti e after he informed me it was a woman’s place in the kitchen to cook and clean not the boys. He was a good Uncle to my children, a wonderful little brother, and an even bigger pest with the biggest grin that let you know he was doing it to bug you, but he still loved you THIS BIG!

There are so many other things that he was and loved, but I’ll save those to share for another day. I do ask that you please remember him and think of him today, World Suicide Prevention Day. If you know someone struggling reach out to them and let them know there is someone who does care and will be here. Let them know there is someone who will be lost without them and truly does love them. Live everyday like it’s the last with your loved ones. Don’t let a day go by without letting them know that you love them and that’s all that matters.